Monday, February 13, 2012

Hey, Lova...

Remember that SNL that came on many, many years ago when I used to watch that where the sappy couple was on there and both kept calling each other LOVA (lover) over and over again?  It was ridiculous.  Ridiculously funny.  Oh, Lova, blah blah blah, oh yes lova, blah blah blah.  Cracks me up to think about it now.

Ah, Valentine's Day.  A day of great happiness for some and a day of great pain and hate for others.  When I think about a couple of the ladies in great pain right now in our Journey group, I know that tomorrow will be a difficult day for them.  I'll be praying extra special for those going through hard times in their marriages.  Holidays always magnify things a million times when you don't feel like celebrating whatever it is you're supposed to be reveling in.

Landon and I...and V-Day...don't mix so well.  Our very first V-Day, I remember well.  We were dating.  Wait, and we were engaged.  Landon was at my parents' house.  I must have come home for the weekend from UF.  I can't remember why now, but we were fighting.  I mean having a big argument.  Serious business.  Landon decided to leave my parents' house, and I walked with him outside.  We were half discussing still, and I tried to step into the car door - right at the moment that Landon decided he'd had enough and SHUT the car door.  So, our very first Valentine's Day together, Landon shut the car door on me.  Yep, that started a streak of success.

Then, the next year, I was working at Wise Equip. when V-Day happened on a Saturday.  Landon was working that Saturday for ECA and I was just working away waiting for the florist to deliver my flowers (not joking).  So, the florist arrived.  Finally.  BUT, when they came in with my flowers, they brought what you can only imagine you would give to your great grandmother for Valentine's Day (not that there's anything wrong with great grandmothers - just that there is a hierarchy to V-Day and wife ranks #1, followed by, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, and then great grandmothers).  It was little short flowers that were stuck in that foamy stuff at the bottom.  Not in a vase.  Not roses.  Cheap flowers stuck in the foam.  Well, almost 10 years later now, I laugh at how I would have reacted.  Oh, but year 1 of marriage.  I was pretty, a you know what about it.  I left work...upset...called Landon and told him what I thought of his gift.  He showed up at home with 2 dozen roses and righted the terrible wrong done to my heart.  It's a shame when you have to leave work because foam flowers broke your heart.  What a brat :)

The last time I remember him getting flowers for me is when we lived in Woodstock, and he paid a florist like $75 or maybe $100 (don't tell Dave Ramsey) for HALF A DOZEN ROSES.  Seriously.  While during the first year of marriage I was mad about the foam, by year 6 or so, I had wised up - poor man.

Basically, all I've done above is make myself sound pretty crazy...and I just must be authentic.  This year I have decided to boycott V-Day.  I'm pretty much just over it.  I didn't buy a store card for Landon, but I did have Ms. Carolyn slip him a special card about two weeks ago into his office :)  I'm not hardened to love and romance (well...I mean, maybe just a little since I've been married 9 years now and have a 20 month old), but I am definitely adjusted to what REAL LIFE is.

I was thinking about what I've learned about love in the past 5 or so years.  This really has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, and is probably totally bizarre, but what I've learned the most about love is what I learned from the verse, "Perfect love casts out fear."  Fear is big for me.  Fear debilitates me.  Yet, I love fear.  I love being afraid.  Fear paralyzes me, yet I choose it.  9 times out of 10, I choose fear over peace.  After Landon and I went through the extremely difficult times 4.5 years ago in our marriage, I have clung to this verse many, many times over.  And still do.  When I love Landon from a place with no expectations (and put my expectations where they're supposed to be), I'm totally freed up.  I'M NOT AFRAID.   I am secure in my Father's love, and everything else is icing on the cake.  Boy, if I remembered this every second of every day, I would live an incredibly fulfilled life.  It's a crying shame that most of the time I forget it.  I forget I have everything I need for life and godliness.  I forget that I am completely whole just as I am.  I forget that my Father can meet every need I have - even if I long for Landon to meet some of them.  And he does.  A lot of the time.  Perfect love casts our fear.  Our marriage drastically improved when I stopped being so afraid.  And you know when it spirals back down?  When fear paralyzes me.  Again.  I've learned to recognize it better now - when it's coming - and attempt to recall this favorite verse and take deep breaths.  Landon and I have been through a lot.  I'm thankful for what God brings to my mind this V-Day to remember.  May not make much sense to anyone else, but it makes a world of sense to me.

I love you, Lan.  I'm praying for many more non-celebrating Valentine's Days :)

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